Lots of
people might not understand what we go through, we have a serious identity
trouble, when you identify yourself by multiple identities, at some point
you get lost and you can’t tell for sure who you are!! And this is what we are
living now…
In our
childhood we learn how to love, and worship Palestine, they teach us that there is
no other home, there is no better home, and we should never accept another
home… later, we find out that we may have that one home but without any proof,
we find out –like a horrible shock- that our holy home is not recognized
internationally, that our home is just in our hearts, we have no rights, no
papers, and that being identified as Palestinian gets us in lots of troubles…
we discover that our love is a crime!! And a simple identification is a serious
accusation.
So we start
looking for a “temporary” home, a “home” that can be more practical for us,
just to live as any other person in the world and have rights without being
charged for a nationality!! Then we might live in a new “home” where we can get
better standards of life. And just like that, we find ourselves belonging to
many homelands, but somewhere deep inside us that young believing child
screams there is only one home, he manages somehow to make us feel guilty for every
time we answer the question “where are you from?” with any answer other than
Palestine.
As I said, lots
of people do not really understand what we go through, and how serious this is
to us, but no matter where I go, when I meet a Palestinian I can see that lost child
in his eyes, I can see that special union that we have, I can see even with all
the different “homes” that holy love, and that deep wound.
Yes, most
of them do not understand, and may never do, they may never understand that
wound, and how it can be so deep that where ever we go, whatever the size of
success we might achieve there will always be a touch of sadness in us, we
might be happy, we might find everything we wish for, but she will always be
there, looking at us, looking through us, looking from us, and at certain point
we will discover that we’re doomed.
Yes lots of
people do not understand why…
it’s like the way we’re connected to our parents. When they mess us up, we’ll
be messed up always.
Love? Oh
yes we’re in a big, awesome love, love that burns us slowly, that consumes us
and leaves us hopeless for any other love!!
Nobody can
understand for real what pain we go through when someone says I’ve been there…
or do you know Israel? Or do you know this or that… the silliest and most
Machiavellian question I’ve ever been asked: if I knew Jerusalem!!!
And who asks one of those who stole my home!!
I wondered for a second in what
world am I living!! My mind was screaming "SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!"
But my lips smiled, a
smile only someone like me would understand, I replied "yes, yes I know her";
I
do not know if the guy knew from where I am, but as if he wanted to get the
knife deeper in my fresh-old wound and asked "have you ever been there?"
I felt
my tears pressing behind my eyes, and my voice trembling, at that moment my mind did
not make any reaction, I said "no".
A brief, neutral, unfriendly No, then he
finished me saying "well, you should it’s awesome!!"
I did not say anything I
smiled that same smile, I changed the subject, and I rushed to my room.
I cried
my eyes out that night, I was drunk with pain, and that hole inside my heart
was getting bigger making me see it clearly: it will never heal!! I can never
heal from that love!
Palestine is your home, no matter where you go!
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