home is where the heart is...

Lots of people might not understand what we go through, we have a serious identity trouble, when you identify yourself by multiple identities, at some point you get lost and you can’t tell for sure who you are!! And this is what we are living now…

In our childhood we learn how to love, and worship Palestine, they teach us that there is no other home, there is no better home, and we should never accept another home… later, we find out that we may have that one home but without any proof, we find out –like a horrible shock- that our holy home is not recognized internationally, that our home is just in our hearts, we have no rights, no papers, and that being identified as Palestinian gets us in lots of troubles… we discover that our love is a crime!! And a simple identification is a serious accusation.

So we start looking for a “temporary” home, a “home” that can be more practical for us, just to live as any other person in the world and have rights without being charged for a nationality!! Then we might live in a new “home” where we can get better standards of life. And just like that, we find ourselves belonging to many homelands, but somewhere deep inside us that young believing child screams there is only one home, he manages somehow to make us feel guilty for every time we answer the question “where are you from?” with any answer other than Palestine.

As I said, lots of people do not really understand what we go through, and how serious this is to us, but no matter where I go, when I meet a Palestinian I can see that lost child in his eyes, I can see that special union that we have, I can see even with all the different “homes” that holy love, and that deep wound.

Yes, most of them do not understand, and may never do, they may never understand that wound, and how it can be so deep that where ever we go, whatever the size of success we might achieve there will always be a touch of sadness in us, we might be happy, we might find everything we wish for, but she will always be there, looking at us, looking through us, looking from us, and at certain point we will discover that we’re doomed.

Yes lots of people do not understand why… it’s like the way we’re connected to our parents. When they mess us up, we’ll be messed up always.

Love? Oh yes we’re in a big, awesome love, love that burns us slowly, that consumes us and leaves us hopeless for any other love!!

Nobody can understand for real what pain we go through when someone says I’ve been there… or do you know Israel? Or do you know this or that… the silliest and most Machiavellian question I’ve ever been asked: if I knew Jerusalem!!! And who asks one of those who stole my home!! 

I wondered for a second in what world am I living!! My mind was screaming "SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!" 

But my lips smiled, a smile only someone like me would understand, I replied "yes, yes I know her"; 

I do not know if the guy knew from where I am, but as if he wanted to get the knife deeper in my fresh-old wound and asked "have you ever been there?" 

I felt my tears pressing behind my eyes, and my voice trembling, at that moment my mind did not make any reaction, I said "no". 

A brief, neutral, unfriendly No, then he finished me saying "well, you should it’s awesome!!"

I did not say anything I smiled that same smile, I changed the subject, and I rushed to my room.

I cried my eyes out that night, I was drunk with pain, and that hole inside my heart was getting bigger making me see it clearly: it will never heal!! I can never heal from that love!